I have never in my life been completely financially independent. The world has changed, for my generation it is near impossible to get further education without someone backing you. I’m 20 years old, at the University of Auckland and my student loan is building. My parents have decided to cut me off this year, which means I’ll have a flat to pay for, bills, food, petrol, and expensive papers to complete. According to my calculations, I will spend about $11,200 on renting a flat, $3000 on food, $1200 on petrol (if I’m good), and $8000 on university. Currently, in my bank account I have $8000. When I actually start university for the year, I will get $170 a week for “living expenses” which will not only NOT cover what I need, but will eventually have to be repaid plus interest.
I’m yet to find a part-time job, even though I have enough experience. Even if I do find one, involuntarily it will be taxed to pay back my loan for me already. I am yet to even find a place to live.
What I guess I’m stumped about is – all I’m trying to do is benefit society by being well-educated and useful. For that, I’m being expected to pay something well beyond what I am capable of and feeling miserable because of it.
I know in the States university costs a lot more, and a lot of people have it far worse off than I do. I guess I just feel like my transition to adulthood has been abrupt. I haven’t avoided facing facts or been unrealistic, but I guess it is now just staring me in the face. There is zero money going into my account, and a lot being taken out of it.
I guess I need to learn how to budget, and quickly.
The last few months have been rough. I have felt like many friendships have revealed themselves to be nothing resembling loyalty or genuine compassion. The jobs I have applied for come and go at the most inconvenient of times. The flat I was supposed to be going into fell apart. As a result I feel alone, broke and homeless. I have never cried this much in my life.
I have always strived to be a good person – to be generous and caring. I listen, I give advice and I care. I feel like for a lot of my friendships, this has been taken and either gone unappreciated, unreciprocated or manipulated. What I do not understand is how there are so many people like this in the world and in my life. It would be okay if the people I know came in equal part shitty and equal part nice, but they don’t. Am I doing something wrong? I have always been fairly selective in where I place my energy and efforts, yet this seems to continuously backfire on me. I have one best friend (who doesn’t live in the city I do) who is through and through the best friend I could ever ask for, and a boyfriend (who is where I am) that has to deal with this mess of a person I have become.
I am an atheist, yet part of me is desperate to believe in something bigger. I always had some hope in karma. As of late this hope has dissipated. I think I’m experiencing what Christians experience when they don’t understand how God could do something horrible to them. Being a good person in no way means good things will happen to you. I guess that’s what is hard to come to terms with. There are shitty people and shitty circumstances and really, it doesn’t mean anything. No one is affected by the occurrences of my life except me, and in the grand scheme of things I am so incredibly insignificant. I don’t have a place in the world, yet alone an important one. What even qualifies as an important place? Someone who holds power or authority? Someone who helps other insignificant people be healthier or happier? I don’t know. I guess none of us know.
I have never felt this alone, empty or sad. The decisions of others to put themselves first works for them, yet it doesn’t for me even when I try. Maybe I put too much emotion into friendships or choices. Detachment from such things however seems difficult – how does one change their innate inner workings? I’m in desperate need of some inspiration or some true friendship. Soon.
2015 has arrived and no doubt it will come with its share of tumbles and tribulations. I wrote myself a letter to open on the first day of 2016 on the 1st of this month, and in it is a couple of thoughts about how I can improve in my day-to-day living, achievement of goals and general attitude. Being around a fairly toxic and stressful family environment of late has been a hard start to the year and already is motivating me to start making plans on getting back to the city where my university is based. (Also my boyfriend is there, hi Raf lol).
I was watching a YouTube video the other day and a message that was well conveyed was that at the start of a new year it is easy to sprint at the start and attempt to start off strongly – but often you’ll have slowed to a walk at the end. One needs to build up and maintain a level of attention, spirit, and motivation. Reflection and self-evaluation should not be overlooked as important elements of a year. The end of the year is too late to do anything about behaviour or problems or decisions that occur during the year – consistent and honest contemplation and self-speculation is healthy. I endeavour to communicate with myself and others more clearly this year.
Anyway, just some musings coming to you from the middle of nowhere (geographically and mentally).