The last few months have been rough. I have felt like many friendships have revealed themselves to be nothing resembling loyalty or genuine compassion. The jobs I have applied for come and go at the most inconvenient of times. The flat I was supposed to be going into fell apart. As a result I feel alone, broke and homeless. I have never cried this much in my life.
I have always strived to be a good person – to be generous and caring. I listen, I give advice and I care. I feel like for a lot of my friendships, this has been taken and either gone unappreciated, unreciprocated or manipulated. What I do not understand is how there are so many people like this in the world and in my life. It would be okay if the people I know came in equal part shitty and equal part nice, but they don’t. Am I doing something wrong? I have always been fairly selective in where I place my energy and efforts, yet this seems to continuously backfire on me. I have one best friend (who doesn’t live in the city I do) who is through and through the best friend I could ever ask for, and a boyfriend (who is where I am) that has to deal with this mess of a person I have become.
I am an atheist, yet part of me is desperate to believe in something bigger. I always had some hope in karma. As of late this hope has dissipated. I think I’m experiencing what Christians experience when they don’t understand how God could do something horrible to them. Being a good person in no way means good things will happen to you. I guess that’s what is hard to come to terms with. There are shitty people and shitty circumstances and really, it doesn’t mean anything. No one is affected by the occurrences of my life except me, and in the grand scheme of things I am so incredibly insignificant. I don’t have a place in the world, yet alone an important one. What even qualifies as an important place? Someone who holds power or authority? Someone who helps other insignificant people be healthier or happier? I don’t know. I guess none of us know.
I have never felt this alone, empty or sad. The decisions of others to put themselves first works for them, yet it doesn’t for me even when I try. Maybe I put too much emotion into friendships or choices. Detachment from such things however seems difficult – how does one change their innate inner workings? I’m in desperate need of some inspiration or some true friendship. Soon.