Down Times

The last few months have been rough. I have felt like many friendships have revealed themselves to be nothing resembling loyalty or genuine compassion. The jobs I have applied for come and go at the most inconvenient of times. The flat I was supposed to be going into fell apart. As a result I feel alone, broke and homeless. I have never cried this much in my life.

I have always strived to be a good person – to be generous and caring. I listen, I give advice and I care. I feel like for a lot of my friendships, this has been taken and either gone unappreciated, unreciprocated or manipulated. What I do not understand is how there are so many people like this in the world and in my life. It would be okay if the people I know came in equal part shitty and equal part nice, but they don’t. Am I doing something wrong? I have always been fairly selective in where I place my energy and efforts, yet this seems to continuously backfire on me. I have one best friend (who doesn’t live in the city I do) who is through and through the best friend I could ever ask for, and a boyfriend (who is where I am) that has to deal with this mess of a person I have become.

I am an atheist, yet part of me is desperate to believe in something bigger. I always had some hope in karma. As of late this hope has dissipated. I think I’m experiencing what Christians experience when they don’t understand how God could do something horrible to them. Being a good person in no way means good things will happen to you. I guess that’s what is hard to come to terms with. There are shitty people and shitty circumstances and really, it doesn’t mean anything. No one is affected by the occurrences of my life except me, and in the grand scheme of things I am so incredibly insignificant. I don’t have a place in the world, yet alone an important one. What even qualifies as an important place? Someone who holds power or authority? Someone who helps other insignificant people be healthier or happier? I don’t know. I guess none of us know.

I have never felt this alone, empty or sad. The decisions of others to put themselves first works for them, yet it doesn’t for me even when I try. Maybe I put too much emotion into friendships or choices. Detachment from such things however seems difficult – how does one change their innate inner workings? I’m in desperate need of some inspiration or some true friendship. Soon.

Signed, Hannah 

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2 thoughts on “Down Times

  1. Hannah,

    Through your words I can feel your pain, heartache, and longing for something better. We all have been at or will come to a point–the point where you are now–where we fill inadequate and insignificant and, well, unloved. I have been there and often times feel as if I were still there. The truth is life is hard and often times it stinks. but it is also truth that it can get better, Not only can it get better it is meant to be better.

    Now, as a Christian, naturally, I turn to God and the bible for encouragement. So for a moment, that is where I will turn. You sound like a kind, loving, and wonderful person who truly cares about people and that is wonderful! When we do something good we expect some sort of good in return. That is natural. That is evidence of the law of human nature–an absolute moral right and wrong.I do not want to get into all of that know though. I simply want to encourage you and love you. You said, “I have never felt more alone, empty, and sad.” As a Christian, I would say that you are realizing what you that what you are desperate for–something bigger–is actually a reality.

    But I don’t want to “preach” at you or tell you how to live, because you don’t need that right now, you need love and encouragement. I feel I am being redundant. I guess it is hard to be loving and encouraging. You seem to do such a good job at it yourself, though. It all requires vulnerability and thus, the strength to be vulnerable.

    You are a strong person. You do not hide from the truth. That, honestly, is inspiring and encouraging. That even in your down moments you encourage others, including myself, to be more loving. I would say to you: You do impact the people around you and the people that read your blog more than you realize. I would say that you are stronger than those that can not seem to reciprocate what you give. You are an amazing person.

    If you still need true friendship, I am more than willing to put forth an effort at it. If you have questions or just need to talk I will listen (like you I feel I do pretty well at that).

    Eternal love,
    mstover

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, thank you so so much for such a lengthy response. That’s incredibly kind of you, and means a lot to me. Knowing that you’re out there somewhere to offer support helps me feel less alone. I know there will be a turning point where things get better – I guess I just thought it would have come by now. There is a lesson in here somewhere and it will make me stronger, but I’m sure it’ll be one of those things when you realise it or see it on the other side of the situation, in retrospect. Again, thank you and I have followed your blog so we can get to know each other a bit more. Hannah

      Like

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