A short story

I’m watching the saliva gather at the sides of his lips as he talks. I see the movement of speech but hear the sounds of conversations around us instead. It is like time has slowed and I am being punished for finding my blind date Boring As Fuck. God, I think he lost me somewhere around the description of his mother’s antique clock. I have never met someone that seems genuinely obsessed with their mother. Have I nodded in a while? Shit, I should nod… Okay perfect, he’s buying me listening, he looks even more enthusiastic. Did he just mention something about croquet? How is it possible that he is an attractive and successive accountant that is living vicariously through his 70 year old parents?! 

“That sounds.. really productive Jeremy. It’s very impressive your parents have so much going on. So tell me, do you travel much?” Oh God please just talk about yourself for a moment.

“Well, ‘m pretty proud of them! Oh yes, we have had quite a few little family trips away! We have been to Morocco, Bali, Ecuador, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah”

Okaaaay, and tuning back out. Mental note: I am never letting Julie interfere in my love life EVER AGAIN. He’s cute, but he wishes he was in a threesome with his parents! Eugh, not my thing. Yummy at least this Mojito is doing its job. Wee bit of a warm buzz is coming on. Oh shit, another mental note: if he seems more interesting later on, it is the Mojito, it is not actually happening. Those saliva lips are not getting any action! Bugger, now he’s gotten his iPhone out, please no photos, no photos… oh yup, and there is his overweight mother in a bathing suit on a beach. Excellent. Ohhh, the back of my neck just prickled, weird. Looking up, I see a man staring at me across the restaurant. Well hello! From the looks of it he’s sitting across from a very sporty looking blonde. What is he doing looking at me then.. Shit he is really staring. Okay back to the photos, oh God is that a spa bath with them all in it?

“Hey I’m just going to dash to the loo, could you order me another drink?”

Okay, I have a few minutes to spark up. The ladies room is nice, quite dark, going to me a bit hard to top up the lippy. I rustle around in my purse, have a read of the bus timetable for work tomorrow, throw a bit of powder around my eyes so I look less tired, hopefully making me appear less bored. Shit have I been 10 minutes? He probably thinks I’m doing the brown deed. Ah well, I almost wish I needed to so I could take longer. It is like I’m back at school in Physics and I can’t work out a problem. If only I had tried harder, I would be able to work out if I could shimmy out the window in here. Okay, time to reappear.


“Sorry sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Are you alright?”

“Yes I’m alright, why are you lurking around the ladies loo? Your blonde companions not in there, it was just me.”

“No actually, my sister went to pay the bill. I wanted to catch you. How’s the date going?”

“Are you serious? You don’t think this is a bit inappropriate? Sorry but my date is waiting, I have to…”

Without even finishing my sentence I have been whipped behind a corner leading to a storeroom and this stranger (with a rather wooden musk) has closed the space between us with his hand on my hip.

“Leave with me. I’ve been staring at you all night and I can tell you are bored shitless. I’ll take you on a blind date where I don’t show you every photo on my phone.”

“Well.. Um.. I can’t leave. I have an obligation to stay and to provide my charm for at least another 45 minutes. Do you really think an ambush like this is okay, one stranger to another?”

“Yes. When said ambushed is spunky and in desperate need of a good time.”

God, we are standing close. He has naughty eyes, a cheeky grin. Am I hungry or do I have that funny feeling in my stomach when you just fall into a deep crush? Bugger. I am a bad, bad person.

“Give me five minutes. I’ll meet you out front.”


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