Something I learnt in my marketing course this semester is that
values underpin attitudes.
What that means in a marketing context, is that consumer’s who have values about certain aspects of life, will therefore have attitudes towards certain products. However, I can apply that simply to my life. Looking back on this blog, I can see that I am a pessimistic person, sometimes with good reason. What I am worried about – is that my resting attitude towards everything will be negative. I do not want to be a negative person. If my attitudes are not good ones, then there is something wrong with my values. I have always prided myself on my moral code, but maybe I should look at the word value more.
What do I value? What adds value to my life?
I have opportunities. I have people that love me. I have a (fairly) healthy family dynamic. I have a best friend. I have goals. I have the means to help me reach my goals.
I was listening to a comedian the other day, and he was making fun at people who complain about flying on planes with noisy babies, or seat kickers, or bad food. He made the point that, YOU ARE LITERALLY FLYING THROUGH THE AIR LIKE A SUPERHERO. YOU SHOULD BE IN AWE AT WHAT IS OCCURRING. YOU ARE DEFYING GRAVITY. And he’s right. So much is taken for granted. I need to look up, look around, and be thankful. I will be so much more at peace with focusing on what I do have, as opposed to what I do not have.
When the stability has been lost, everything is thrown off balance. The timing could not be worse – my third year university exams start tomorrow, it is my 21st birthday next week and then I finally have some travel to look forward to. But the stability is missing. I have never been so confused by the actions of another. I thought I was loved unconditionally, now I realise there was this dam building up with things unsaid and now it is starting to leak. I feel like only a few corks have been added to the dam and at any moment it’ll break and I’ll be drowning. I desperately want to be happy, but I don’t know how to be in this new situation, it is foreign and all-consuming. I used to find pleasure in getting lost, but now I just feel alone.
It’s not over but I know it could be. Panic, sadness and drowsiness. All at once, so sleep is not in the stars for me.
When you love in this realm, and told you might not be worth it, the shades and the shapes change. Shadows flicker and what you have come to value escapes you. My breath is hard to catch and the tears keep flowing. Everything was given, my heart has touched another’s palm. It’s a gift I didn’t want back, but maybe I wasn’t clear. Complaints I made seem petty, fights echo and I can feel my hand reaching out and being met with a recoil.
I need my rock, but the rock doesn’t want to be a rock anymore. It wants to be a cloud, but the fog doesn’t leave my head. I love I love I love, and I need it back. I would never want to be a cloud unless we are clouds together.
I don’t know how I’ll ever feel like I didn’t hear the words.
Sometimes I think you realise what kind of person you are when you have a realisation, that it is time to take a step back. It’s not a weak thing to do, but a wise thing to do. Re-evaluation of relationships, friendships and dreams is all-consuming for me right now. I know where I want to get to, and who I want to be in getting there. I need to stop placing attention and expectation on people who may desire me, but do not value me. When relationships begin to fall apart, there is no point in saving them when you’re the only one watching the destruction. Sometimes there can be beauty in the fall, and in order to see the bigger picture, taking a few steps back from the scene can help.