it could go either way

when you hear bad news, and I mean really life-stopping-and-changing bad news, the kind of news that leaves you sobbing, questioning and traumatised, it can leave you in unchartered territories, new and undiscovered states of distress. 

I wanted to write this earlier, but I knew I needed time. I don’t think I’m ready to put into words what happened, but it has changed me as a person. I can feel this little tiny piece of coal sitting in my mind body and soul that will always be there now. it’s the first time life has really shown me what it’s made of. past events, they didn’t have that shock factor. 

now I feel this panic inside me that I have never had before. this idea that thinks, why do I feel this way? has something bad happened? when my phones rings unexpectedly my heart stalls for a few beats, expecting the worst. at night my mind wanders to places that I’m finding out I desperately need a map to that doesn’t exist. 

when I try to turn my thoughts rational and consider how I’m going to live my life still without such worry, I linger on the idea of detachment. what would it look like, if I pursued the dreams I harbour without a second glance towards the piece of black coal? the only way I see that being possible is if I accept that life will throw me the worst and to just be okay with it. surely this is detachment from honest feelings and relationships, to go forward thinking “I would be okay if the worst happened”. 

yet I can’t have my mind plagued and be leant on with such anxious smoggy clouds. to go down the rabbit hole would be to give in to what made this mess in the first place. 

realistically, it isn’t what happened. it’s how it’s barrelled through the lives of so many and left this tsunami of destruction that causes after shock after wave. 

my waves are on behalf of other people’s waves. I know that doesn’t make sense but it does to me. I guess, I need to shift the world back into focus a little, through what means I just don’t know yet. I so desperately need a clutch, ideally a healthy one, and use it so I can be someone else’s clutch. 

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