i’ve been told that maybe i feel differently
i feel on a scale of -5 to 15 instead of the usual
i’ve been told that i place too much hope in people
that it’s time to stop giving
to people who don’t care.
maybe i do feel harder than most,
how do i limit my scope
i don’t want to feel like this now
or ever again.
i’ve been told that i’ll learn from it
but i’ve told myself that it wasn’t worth it
so how is that a lesson.
how do i feel less
than right now
without being numb
I claim my filter works well
I don’t ever get it right.
I have the right intent
With the right self-preservation,
I end up in the position
Time and time again
Where I can’t be here,
I can’t continue
With the Way It Goes.
When will I get it right
When will it be My Turn.
I sew my days together with a very thin thread
I make up a tapestry I can hide beneath
And sneak a peak through if I can that day.
This thread keeps breaking
With the help of a poor sewer
And I don’t want them to intrude
On my very haphazardly put together piece
that I tried so hard to make look presentable.
I battle a silent war everyday
To get me through the task.
To have someone ask for my time
And break my project too
Means the tapestry doesn’t get made
To hide beneath.
Exposed & More Lonely Than Before.
I have always been enough for me, when it is just me.
Now, I fear I won’t be enough for someone else – how do I fit the mould of what they want, when I can only just offer me as I am.
They need so much – and even if they get it – it won’t ever be enough – they can’t be happy. I can’t help them to be happy.
So I won’t be enough.
Am I okay with not ever being enough to them? When I feel enough on my own?
I’m not sure – is that unusual how I feel, again I doubt.
I have suffered, suffered beyond anyone’s comprehension because I don’t talk about it, not really in the way I want to. There are no words to respond to what I want to say. So why say them aloud.
I have seen the darkest parts of humanity, the sadness that turns your world black. But I’m here still fighting every damn day and I don’t know if I can be faced with never being enough too. I need to know I’m doing okay, I need the pat on the back, I need things too. I have the capacity to give and give but I need to expect some return, I need reassurance and to be told they are here for me, and want me just as me and all of the things I am.
My feelings are okay to have too, I have to remember I don’t need to feel bad for feeling. I don’t want to fight myself for someone else. If I’m jealous I’m allowed to be – if I’m sad – if I’m mad – why pull on my brakes when they don’t. I wonder if they even see me as me, or whether they see themself and how I affect them.
I don’t want to be here right now, anywhere but here