been told

i’ve been told that maybe i feel differently

i feel on a scale of -5 to 15 instead of the usual

0-10

i’ve been told that i place too much hope in people

that it’s time to stop giving

myself

to people who don’t care.

maybe i do feel harder than most,

how do i limit my scope

because,

i don’t want to feel like this now

or ever again.

i’ve been told that i’ll learn from it

but i’ve told myself that it wasn’t worth it

so how is that a lesson.

how do i feel less

than right now

without being numb

Silent Battle

I sew my days together with a very thin thread

I make up a tapestry I can hide beneath

And sneak a peak through if I can that day.

This thread keeps breaking

With the help of a poor sewer

And I don’t want them to intrude

On my very haphazardly put together piece

of Art

that I tried so hard to make look presentable.

I battle a silent war everyday

To get me through the task.

To have someone ask for my time

And aid

And break my project too

Means the tapestry doesn’t get made

To hide beneath.

Exposed & More Lonely Than Before.

Enough

I have always been enough for me, when it is just me.

Now, I fear I won’t be enough for someone else – how do I fit the mould of what they want, when I can only just offer me as I am.

They need so much – and even if they get it – it won’t ever be enough – they can’t be happy. I can’t help them to be happy.

So I won’t be enough.

Am I okay with not ever being enough to them? When I feel enough on my own?

I’m not sure – is that unusual how I feel, again I doubt.

I have suffered, suffered beyond anyone’s comprehension because I don’t talk about it, not really in the way I want to. There are no words to respond to what I want to say. So why say them aloud.

I have seen the darkest parts of humanity, the sadness that turns your world black. But I’m here still fighting every damn day and I don’t know if I can be faced with never being enough too. I need to know I’m doing okay, I need the pat on the back, I need things too. I have the capacity to give and give but I need to expect some return, I need reassurance and to be told they are here for me, and want me just as me and all of the things I am.

My feelings are okay to have too, I have to remember I don’t need to feel bad for feeling. I don’t want to fight myself for someone else. If I’m jealous I’m allowed to be – if I’m sad – if I’m mad – why pull on my brakes when they don’t. I wonder if they even see me as me, or whether they see themself and how I affect them.

I don’t want to be here right now, anywhere but here