I have always been enough for me, when it is just me.
Now, I fear I won’t be enough for someone else – how do I fit the mould of what they want, when I can only just offer me as I am.
They need so much – and even if they get it – it won’t ever be enough – they can’t be happy. I can’t help them to be happy.
So I won’t be enough.
Am I okay with not ever being enough to them? When I feel enough on my own?
I’m not sure – is that unusual how I feel, again I doubt.
I have suffered, suffered beyond anyone’s comprehension because I don’t talk about it, not really in the way I want to. There are no words to respond to what I want to say. So why say them aloud.
I have seen the darkest parts of humanity, the sadness that turns your world black. But I’m here still fighting every damn day and I don’t know if I can be faced with never being enough too. I need to know I’m doing okay, I need the pat on the back, I need things too. I have the capacity to give and give but I need to expect some return, I need reassurance and to be told they are here for me, and want me just as me and all of the things I am.
My feelings are okay to have too, I have to remember I don’t need to feel bad for feeling. I don’t want to fight myself for someone else. If I’m jealous I’m allowed to be – if I’m sad – if I’m mad – why pull on my brakes when they don’t. I wonder if they even see me as me, or whether they see themself and how I affect them.
I don’t want to be here right now, anywhere but here