creeping

last week i felt something creep up on me

after lying with you staring into your eyes

i found myself thinking of what this might be.

it was slower than normal

but i needed that.

last time my heart was shredded on stage,

and i can’t have that happen again.

i was happy with the rhythm we had found together,

until you asked me what we were.

i had to answer that honestly,

since my tongue had been in someone else’s mouth not 24 hours before.

we were just dating

to me at that stage.

you asked me if i wanted to just be yours

and for you to just be mine.

i told you no,

for no reason but that i don’t want to be put

in my place

where my cheeks burned with torture and embarrassment

with disappointment and disdain.

it had nothing to do with you

i was just trying selfish on for size.

it felt really good for a moment,

it fit me well.

but then you said you didnt want to see me again

and i understand why

but now i think of her again and how much she

broke me, after all the promises that she wouldn’t.

i felt something creep up on me

but it was just me

telling me to be alone.

then i vanished.

me me me

i i i

 

you

i regret every part of you.

you ate me alive out there,

in the field you coaxed me into.

you chose me,

hunted me,

tortured me.

i think you’re sicker than what we both imagined.

you say you’re an advocate

for the ill and the unstable,

but you are queen of playing pretend

with your faux fun and smiles

on your social platforms.

i learnt a lot from you,

how i shouldn’t trust,

how i shouldn’t bother

with anyone who see’s straight through me,

onto the next, bigger and better

thing;

but i regret you, nonetheless.

i hope you someday know that

you may have tried to share your misery

with someone that would have

done their utmost to keep you safe

in this world,

protect you from your fears,

and find you in your dark place

to sit with you until you were

ready to come out.

and you succeeded

in sharing,

for a short while.

i was miserable.

was.

i didn’t

i didn’t think of you this morning

for the first time

in months.

when i realised i hadn’t,

i smiled

because it means i’m a step closer

to being myself again.

you changed me

i couldn’t say for the better

but changed nonetheless.

you made me feel the smallest

i had ever

and day by day, i grow

bigger than i thought i could

i used to say i adored you infinitely

but now

i am infinite in myself