this is new

her eyes dance like rain 

hitting puddles,

and moonlight

casting its marvel

along the dimly lit footpath

that suddenly 

illuminates beyond what i’ve come to know 

with secrets of my mind and heart

speckled on the concrete

i am no longer walking alone

even when

i am walking alone

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elsewhere

when my heart hurts

the lying of your lips on my neck

are in space

where i feel no gravity 

towards you

you tell me you plan to be

an entirely other self

roaming elsewhere

for a night

i don’t know that person

and i never intended to meet them

you escape presence

of yours and mine 

something i thought we agreed

we never wanted –

who knew

we are escapable 

don’t cry

don’t cry if you knew me 

and i am no longer

you would have made your mark

on me somewhere 

that’s all we do

remember the marks i meant to make

the ones i could control 

i had so many chapters

reread them

and find my mind in the letters

my smile in the ink

don’t cry 

but also, please, don’t forget

cover me

drowning in your silence 

guessing the stories of your scars, lines and crinkles

you’ve settled in

with the forgotten girl

who pads quietly on her own –

stretches a thought thin

and rounds it off with worry

it can’t be good

that she’s made room for one more

in case the chair is left empty

and acts as but a reminder –

the forgotten girl never forgets 

wade

wade through my wary

dry off when I turn around

touch the parts where

I don’t whimper

you’ll find it between

nowhere and no one –

see into the back of me

where the shadows loom

and the creatures don’t stay long

& linger longer

because you may find part

of me that can be felt

with no sound leaving

my lips

speculate and spit

we talk and talk

but we say nothing

of value

we speculate and spit

saturating the sanctity

of freewill and choice to live purely,

authentically,

yet we think we were at some point

given the ability to say

when it is Judgment Day,

scarring and tarnishing,

scratching and acid washing,

the person who dares

be different

 

insides

sometimes i wish i could welcome

someone else into my brain

tell me

is it reminiscent of theirs

is my rationale 

lying outside the boundaries of reason 

or is this the view commoners plod

along with 

as i learn more

i forage for hope and sense 

in pits of dust

and come out dusty

Disintegrate 

sit on the edge of my cynasism and

watch me disintegrate

i had intent that was underestimated 

but showmanship that could fool a fool 

the tidal wreckage on my sandy surface

is harrowing and hollowing 

you’ll see me be nothing left

creeping

last week i felt something creep up on me

after lying with you staring into your eyes

i found myself thinking of what this might be.

it was slower than normal

but i needed that.

last time my heart was shredded on stage,

and i can’t have that happen again.

i was happy with the rhythm we had found together,

until you asked me what we were.

i had to answer that honestly,

since my tongue had been in someone else’s mouth not 24 hours before.

we were just dating

to me at that stage.

you asked me if i wanted to just be yours

and for you to just be mine.

i told you no,

for no reason but that i don’t want to be put

in my place

where my cheeks burned with torture and embarrassment

with disappointment and disdain.

it had nothing to do with you

i was just trying selfish on for size.

it felt really good for a moment,

it fit me well.

but then you said you didnt want to see me again

and i understand why

but now i think of her again and how much she

broke me, after all the promises that she wouldn’t.

i felt something creep up on me

but it was just me

telling me to be alone.

then i vanished.

me me me

i i i

 

you

i regret every part of you.

you ate me alive out there,

in the field you coaxed me into.

you chose me,

hunted me,

tortured me.

i think you’re sicker than what we both imagined.

you say you’re an advocate

for the ill and the unstable,

but you are queen of playing pretend

with your faux fun and smiles

on your social platforms.

i learnt a lot from you,

how i shouldn’t trust,

how i shouldn’t bother

with anyone who see’s straight through me,

onto the next, bigger and better

thing;

but i regret you, nonetheless.

i hope you someday know that

you may have tried to share your misery

with someone that would have

done their utmost to keep you safe

in this world,

protect you from your fears,

and find you in your dark place

to sit with you until you were

ready to come out.

and you succeeded

in sharing,

for a short while.

i was miserable.

was.