elsewhere

when my heart hurts

the lying of your lips on my neck

are in space

where i feel no gravity 

towards you

you tell me you plan to be

an entirely other self

roaming elsewhere

for a night

i don’t know that person

and i never intended to meet them

you escape presence

of yours and mine 

something i thought we agreed

we never wanted –

who knew

we are escapable 

wade

wade through my wary

dry off when I turn around

touch the parts where

I don’t whimper

you’ll find it between

nowhere and no one –

see into the back of me

where the shadows loom

and the creatures don’t stay long

& linger longer

because you may find part

of me that can be felt

with no sound leaving

my lips

speculate and spit

we talk and talk

but we say nothing

of value

we speculate and spit

saturating the sanctity

of freewill and choice to live purely,

authentically,

yet we think we were at some point

given the ability to say

when it is Judgment Day,

scarring and tarnishing,

scratching and acid washing,

the person who dares

be different

 

blues

the satin sound of the deep trombone

vibrates through my mind

low and rumbling

interrupting the melody

and beat of the happy beeps

and bops

reverberating inside the small room

round and around

i see why they call it the blues

creeping

last week i felt something creep up on me

after lying with you staring into your eyes

i found myself thinking of what this might be.

it was slower than normal

but i needed that.

last time my heart was shredded on stage,

and i can’t have that happen again.

i was happy with the rhythm we had found together,

until you asked me what we were.

i had to answer that honestly,

since my tongue had been in someone else’s mouth not 24 hours before.

we were just dating

to me at that stage.

you asked me if i wanted to just be yours

and for you to just be mine.

i told you no,

for no reason but that i don’t want to be put

in my place

where my cheeks burned with torture and embarrassment

with disappointment and disdain.

it had nothing to do with you

i was just trying selfish on for size.

it felt really good for a moment,

it fit me well.

but then you said you didnt want to see me again

and i understand why

but now i think of her again and how much she

broke me, after all the promises that she wouldn’t.

i felt something creep up on me

but it was just me

telling me to be alone.

then i vanished.

me me me

i i i

 

you

i regret every part of you.

you ate me alive out there,

in the field you coaxed me into.

you chose me,

hunted me,

tortured me.

i think you’re sicker than what we both imagined.

you say you’re an advocate

for the ill and the unstable,

but you are queen of playing pretend

with your faux fun and smiles

on your social platforms.

i learnt a lot from you,

how i shouldn’t trust,

how i shouldn’t bother

with anyone who see’s straight through me,

onto the next, bigger and better

thing;

but i regret you, nonetheless.

i hope you someday know that

you may have tried to share your misery

with someone that would have

done their utmost to keep you safe

in this world,

protect you from your fears,

and find you in your dark place

to sit with you until you were

ready to come out.

and you succeeded

in sharing,

for a short while.

i was miserable.

was.

i didn’t

i didn’t think of you this morning

for the first time

in months.

when i realised i hadn’t,

i smiled

because it means i’m a step closer

to being myself again.

you changed me

i couldn’t say for the better

but changed nonetheless.

you made me feel the smallest

i had ever

and day by day, i grow

bigger than i thought i could

i used to say i adored you infinitely

but now

i am infinite in myself

been told

i’ve been told that maybe i feel differently

i feel on a scale of -5 to 15 instead of the usual

0-10

i’ve been told that i place too much hope in people

that it’s time to stop giving

myself

to people who don’t care.

maybe i do feel harder than most,

how do i limit my scope

because,

i don’t want to feel like this now

or ever again.

i’ve been told that i’ll learn from it

but i’ve told myself that it wasn’t worth it

so how is that a lesson.

how do i feel less

than right now

without being numb

Silent Battle

I sew my days together with a very thin thread

I make up a tapestry I can hide beneath

And sneak a peak through if I can that day.

This thread keeps breaking

With the help of a poor sewer

And I don’t want them to intrude

On my very haphazardly put together piece

of Art

that I tried so hard to make look presentable.

I battle a silent war everyday

To get me through the task.

To have someone ask for my time

And aid

And break my project too

Means the tapestry doesn’t get made

To hide beneath.

Exposed & More Lonely Than Before.