last week i felt something creep up on me

after lying with you staring into your eyes

i found myself thinking of what this might be.

it was slower than normal

but i needed that.

last time my heart was shredded on stage,

and i can’t have that happen again.

i was happy with the rhythm we had found together,

until you asked me what we were.

i had to answer that honestly,

since my tongue had been in someone else’s mouth not 24 hours before.

we were just dating

to me at that stage.

you asked me if i wanted to just be yours

and for you to just be mine.

i told you no,

for no reason but that i don’t want to be put

in my place

where my cheeks burned with torture and embarrassment

with disappointment and disdain.

it had nothing to do with you

i was just trying selfish on for size.

it felt really good for a moment,

it fit me well.

but then you said you didnt want to see me again

and i understand why

but now i think of her again and how much she

broke me, after all the promises that she wouldn’t.

i felt something creep up on me

but it was just me

telling me to be alone.

then i vanished.

me me me

i i i




i regret every part of you.

you ate me alive out there,

in the field you coaxed me into.

you chose me,

hunted me,

tortured me.

i think you’re sicker than what we both imagined.

you say you’re an advocate

for the ill and the unstable,

but you are queen of playing pretend

with your faux fun and smiles

on your social platforms.

i learnt a lot from you,

how i shouldn’t trust,

how i shouldn’t bother

with anyone who see’s straight through me,

onto the next, bigger and better


but i regret you, nonetheless.

i hope you someday know that

you may have tried to share your misery

with someone that would have

done their utmost to keep you safe

in this world,

protect you from your fears,

and find you in your dark place

to sit with you until you were

ready to come out.

and you succeeded

in sharing,

for a short while.

i was miserable.


i didn’t

i didn’t think of you this morning

for the first time

in months.

when i realised i hadn’t,

i smiled

because it means i’m a step closer

to being myself again.

you changed me

i couldn’t say for the better

but changed nonetheless.

you made me feel the smallest

i had ever

and day by day, i grow

bigger than i thought i could

i used to say i adored you infinitely

but now

i am infinite in myself

been told

i’ve been told that maybe i feel differently

i feel on a scale of -5 to 15 instead of the usual


i’ve been told that i place too much hope in people

that it’s time to stop giving


to people who don’t care.

maybe i do feel harder than most,

how do i limit my scope


i don’t want to feel like this now

or ever again.

i’ve been told that i’ll learn from it

but i’ve told myself that it wasn’t worth it

so how is that a lesson.

how do i feel less

than right now

without being numb

Silent Battle

I sew my days together with a very thin thread

I make up a tapestry I can hide beneath

And sneak a peak through if I can that day.

This thread keeps breaking

With the help of a poor sewer

And I don’t want them to intrude

On my very haphazardly put together piece

of Art

that I tried so hard to make look presentable.

I battle a silent war everyday

To get me through the task.

To have someone ask for my time

And aid

And break my project too

Means the tapestry doesn’t get made

To hide beneath.

Exposed & More Lonely Than Before.


I have always been enough for me, when it is just me.

Now, I fear I won’t be enough for someone else – how do I fit the mould of what they want, when I can only just offer me as I am.

They need so much – and even if they get it – it won’t ever be enough – they can’t be happy. I can’t help them to be happy.

So I won’t be enough.

Am I okay with not ever being enough to them? When I feel enough on my own?

I’m not sure – is that unusual how I feel, again I doubt.

I have suffered, suffered beyond anyone’s comprehension because I don’t talk about it, not really in the way I want to. There are no words to respond to what I want to say. So why say them aloud.

I have seen the darkest parts of humanity, the sadness that turns your world black. But I’m here still fighting every damn day and I don’t know if I can be faced with never being enough too. I need to know I’m doing okay, I need the pat on the back, I need things too. I have the capacity to give and give but I need to expect some return, I need reassurance and to be told they are here for me, and want me just as me and all of the things I am.

My feelings are okay to have too, I have to remember I don’t need to feel bad for feeling. I don’t want to fight myself for someone else. If I’m jealous I’m allowed to be – if I’m sad – if I’m mad – why pull on my brakes when they don’t. I wonder if they even see me as me, or whether they see themself and how I affect them.

I don’t want to be here right now, anywhere but here

help me

help me lose myself

in your words of wonderment

and skin of silk.

i know not what you feel

or who you touch

or why you touch them,

but i want your hands on me 

around my middle

with lips on my lobe

whispering sweetness and honesties.

help me be mazeless

strip me of the walls

until i’m lying naked

and free

and you possess me 

Lied to

I don’t like being lied to,

And I know you lied to me.

You think you’re so clever,

and you think you can still claim my trust.

You’re wrong.

I see you,

I see your manipulation and your

vindictive side.

You’ll make a great lawyer.

I see why you chose that

Because you never let yourself be to blame –

When you’re the one with the plan –

The one who knows exactly how to get their way.

I see you for exactly what you are,

Don’t think that I don’t.

1000s of selves

Lying stagnant until called upon

There are 1000s of selves

Not one cohesive unit of reaction

But multiple identities wrapped up in one

Waiting for the opportunity to greet

And be seen.

It’s rather scary that there may be a new self

That is uncovered is the new territories

What if I don’t like them

What if I I don’t like me.